After five years of sporting ugly sweaters, countless hats and barely-there banana hammocks, I’ve decided to put my paws up and retire!
When I held the press conference announcing the big news, the puparazzi flooded me with questions: “How will you spend your time, Spaz Man?” “Can you really give up all that fame and glory?” “Will you and your mystery date finally come clean about your romance?”
The truth is, I don’t know what I’m gonna do with all my newfound spare time, but I sure have lots in mind!
Maybe I’ll take up landscaping.
Maybe I’ll open up a kissing booth and get a little booty. What? I mean booty as in money! Geez, dirty minds!
Maybe I’ll star in my own TV show called Scuba Doo.
Maybe I’ll run a marathon!
Maybe I’ll prove that everything is NOT better with a blue bonnet on it.
Maybe I’ll teach Counter Surfing classes for horizontally challenged dogs.
Maybe I’ll become the new face of horror flicks! (I’ll have my dogs call your dogs, Mr. Stephen King).
Maybe I’ll walk around downtown Woodstock singing ’70s yacht rock. (Yes, I like pina coladas but eww, I do NOT like getting caught in the rain…).
Maybe I’ll just kick up my heels and play with my toys.
Or maybe I’ll enjoy a leisurely walk on the trail as Mama Kitty gets pushed around like a queen by her servant Violet.
Maybe I’ll become the “face” of Ellen underwear! Yeah baby.
Or maybe I’ll hop a train to nowhere and live on Beanie Weenies and Spam.
Or maybe I’ll simply spend time with my family enjoying the little things in life. But enough about Yogi.
It’s been a wild ride friends and I thank you so much for coming along! I wish all the animals in the universe peace, love and joy — and remember, adopt don’t shop! Aaawooooooo!
Love, Teddy the Spaz Man.